the first time. since i died.

two bottles of wine and somewehre from teh corner of my eye , the ceiling or the mirror above. i witnessed kittenz full revival. full on. the man drove me to work in his pajamas and fictional fur coat. i was exhausted to the moooon and dancing with everyone we danced and sang and everyone kissed and i was hiding half alive in the darkest room i could find. and i got PREzzents. now we make pasta. we make love we make cozy. untill we get to do it again . this time its exactly what i need. NO COMPROMISE NEEDED. going to LA soon. this because the man wants to take me. we will listen to our favourite tunessss and i will stay almost forever in la la because i can. and i am done nursing my little death.

its the last time i swear.

MINE WINTER SOLSTICING WAS MAGIC PURRR. i cant confesssssssssss EVERYTHING. but theres trees with public diary pages. and im alll over that . today sucks. I love being bummed out and bitter. im tooo greedy and karma is instant. SO I SUFFER A LITTLE . you better bet on the winner.

SILVER BUTTON.

cudddled with beetlejuice. in a cat coccoon. and we listened to swedish doom metal. OH WHAT DELICIOUS DAY.

when yr strange.

dont make me choose. KATHY .discomforted me with her dream analysis. i am disturbed.
i have to fish for buttons. because buttons keep things together. december is running away. and i have been mostly running away from you all. DONT MAKE ME CHOOSE. i will clone myself times a thousand. or send holographs to entertain you. i need an isolation tank.

ill fill your head with led.

this strange anxiety today is foggging up my brains. but 5 minutes of phone talks with MMMMMMMM. and it all goes out for a walk. thats where im going later. im walking fluffy dog to pee on trees. this is a new hobby. but I WANT TO VOMIT ..I was forced to watch sick films which gave me traumas and suffocation phobias. i feel disturbed. subliminally SCREAMING. next week will jam with GL+ jam with boris + shop with matt + skate with jiorji + date with kevin + play show in the scary mississauga + work alot.. + pick up FANCY NEW GEAR. no time to fear . HAVE FEAR OF DYING IN ICE COLD WATER. just bubbles and fish. and ice. and lungs full of water. veins constricted. unable to let the blood thru. i cant even type as i think this. nanoparticles invading the kidneys. KKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

tamo gdje moje srce stanuje.

i have the massive MISSSING of THE ISLAND. and my scooter and all my boyfriends. JUNE JUNE JUNE HURRRY UP YOU GOOOON. i went to visit alot of dead people last night. well at least now i know where grandma lives. Although she complained about THEM painting her house white. it looked a lot better red.

DOOM DANCES.

1 bottle tooo much . half AND SLOWLy is okay. FOLLOW instructions. AT SOME POINT IM just not able to make smart decisions. this is the problem with these vices. hyperlevels off the richter. and then i cant be held responsible. i have such a long LOVEplusLUST LIST. and my hate list is shrinkingggg . which means im either getting enough sleeep or . . the gooood IS WINNING. model marko always phones me for mandatory pre show talks. we have such insightful marathons and i cant help but feel responsible for my pets.. I decorated my x-mas tree till about 4 am. post funz and glitters. napped two hours and came to work.. my new patient is a famous actor (i dont want to brag. but. yeah) and he is the most FUN ever. we are pretend married. even though he has a wife and a mistress who both come to visit. but they dont have to know about us. oh last night was whack the neezle night . I got punched + pinched CONSTANTLY and "by accident" and i had to get violent on a few occasions. not sure if i can justify it tho. I am possessive and jealous when it comes to my band. dont fuck with me YOU HIPPYFUCK.

my plants are dead.

oh this is goood. drunk posting. i can tellllll you how fun drunk skateboarding my amp was up the elevator and halls. with a leash. in clogs. . pooor children and neighbours as i was lisssnin to mad hip hop[ and grinning laughing like a foool. it was my pet dog ampular. and it followed me everywhere.. i had the TIME of someones life at vickywoos fancy loft house. o my god. and her x . we had tension as usual. and piano playing and wine. and magic. i dont confess fully here. but to some degreee. and let me concentrate for a second. swimming was fun. sauna was HOT. and i mean HOT. im gonna burn a candle and crash out this blue moon . my house is sparkle and shine all the way cuz i wasnt dealing with problems instead i cleaned like a crystal meth fiend delxue. you shoudlseee the mystery its SPOTLESS. i found lyurics scribbled on post-its allll over the make up cases and dusty corners. MAKING XMAS LIST. ALL MY TECHNOLOGIES ARE DEAD TOO. need flashdevice and pedals. SANTA. ? LISTEN I DESERVE IT THIS YEAR. DONT KID YOURSELF.

aint no pill or cough syrup that can help you.

SUZIE Q. IS officially MY QUEEEEN. she saves me AGAIN AND AGAIN. therapy talked me to the point of crying. i was at work CRYING. .she has an effective psychological touch on my incredibly complex hive. not to sound TRENnnn-dy but a life coach is not a bad idea at all. you know. cuz. THE WAR IS ALWAYS ON. i had fun with adele and all my boyfriends last night..im conflicted about the number 14. 14+14 + another 14.. but WHERE TO TAKE IT. I DONT KNOW. like i said. im troubled. and math only looks good on paper. not in real life.ps. my pa-paw took this pic years ago. by the sea. god bless his soul. one day we will get along and be best friends and no one will be the wiser.

we're on a bridge CHARLIEEEEE.

THEE MOST CONTENT WEASEL IN THE U-NEE-VERSE. OH. AND I LOVE IT WHEN MATT SINGS WITH ME. we sound amazing. SHOW TIME SOOON.

KITTEN THEFT.

KWEEEN aunty vesna picked me up from work TO FIX LIKE AN OLD BICYCLE. and to her new apartment we went. ABOVE A CANDY SHOPPE. its fancy . and deliciously old and COZY feeeling. she TOOKETH CARE OF MEAND rubbbde olive oil into my hair. she said it was a disgrace . the dry mess that is my MANE. she fed me well and gave me hot hot chocolate. after which i curled up and fell asleep like an exhausted little baby beast. was spposed to hang with carl and his scotch but cant. i cant focus on the sad. im so o o saddened out. cant be in sad company. going for comedies on tuesday and girldate with my new friend on wednesday. bubblegum pink please. i cant stand it anymore. THE COLOUR OF YOUR VOICE IS PAINTED IN MY HEAD PERMANENTLY . tomorrow i goldie luxx till the geease come home. ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ps ps ps psss. boys just confess to me. all the things they hate about their girlfriends. stop. i dont like indeficiencies in people. tell me only the GOOD. only the goood the GOODS. BROKEN but good. you know. kisses and lollipops.

. . .

Such a sad and beautiful funeral. I'm exhausted from crying but I'm glad I was there with peter the whole way to send him off to the heavens. Last night jesse and i went to see him at the viewing. and he was smirking at us all. HE WOULD. everyone was pretty wrecked. I felt nauseous the whole day. Im glad jesse was there cuz he's way more grounded and relaxed me a little bit. Peters family is so lovely and everyone was so great. I needed to hear the things I heard spoken today. Im far from reaching acceptence or closure. but theres progress. i miss knowing you're out there doing what you do..even tho i didnt see you much this year.. and we were RIPE for a catching up sesh.. and then . you just left. .I swear i heard this through the clouds.

MOURNING IN BLACK SATIN WITH TEARS..

glossy eyed i stared at everyone as if they were ghosts . i floated my way through the day .. through a heavy veil. had pretend to be okay drinks with jesse. he interviewed some shitty berlin duo and we had to go to their show. i hate everyone when i havent slept enough so i left before i killed the whole club full of idiots on poser drugs. I wrote a huge letter to peter yesterday. after which i felt better. but i read it again today. and i feel NOT BETTER. and im really mad at the world. and at myself. oct. 14th peter wrote me and we were supposed to hang out. I WAITED TOOOO FUCKING LONG. im not sure if it would have changed anything. but my golden isntincts gave me a sign. and im too selfish and stupid to pay attention . this is fucked up. i have no idea how im going to handle seeing you tonight. YOU WERE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD. you beautiful jerk.. i found the lyrics you wrote in my journal. I love you and I'm so privilaged to have known you. play me some chopin when i see you again cherie poitrek. LOVE YOU TO INFINITY.

IT WASNT SUPPOSED TO END LIKE THIS.

YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP. AND READ MY FUNNY STUPID GET WELL CARD. AND NOT LET YOUR SHITTY ROMANCE WITH THE DEVIL KILL YOU.. this is not happening. REST IN PARADISE PETER MOSKALYK .EVERYTHING YOU EVER DID AND SAID WAS PURE MAGIC..WHAT A FUCKING LOSS FOR HUMAN KIND AND THE WORLD ON THIS SICK DAY.. I CANT LET YOU GO ...I LOVE YOU. this world didnt fucking deserve you in the first place.. I LOVE YOU FOREVER.

untill you feel nothing.

DONT YOU DARE. not like this. im restless and helpless and im coming to kick your ass at the hospital tomorrow. not like this peter. NOT NOW. try again dude.

gagging on seafoam.

how you sooooooothe me. rainy downtown in the early morning. i embrace the gray and i aim for the comfort of my own bed. to sleeep off..the disintegration, deceiving lights and ridiculous amounts of whiskey ,the thoughts i trick myself into. . these shadows are such a mystery.

HOW ONE ROMANCES ME.

EVERY DAY WITH POETRY. FRESHLY PRESSED GERMAN KITSCH LOVE SING SONGS. MY BAVARIAN BUEBCHEN ! MARVEL IF YR LUCKY TO BE SO SMAAAART.
Andy Prinz herbeigeeilt,
dass er Nee ganz schnell befreit!
Befreit sie fix von allem übel,
schmeißt die anderen in nen Kübel,
und danach da näht er sich,
in Nees Herz ganz fürchterlich.

Denn da kommt er nie mehr raus.
da es ist nun sein zu Haus!!!!!

flawlesssss .

EXTENSIVE psychological advancements this morning. and i was late. as i was swirling and doused in satin and lace. but snooozie and i have such mindbrains in our heads that we pondered ourselves to no end and realized our pathologies lie in THE NEEED TO BE DESTROYED BY OUR MATES..THE THRILLS THE THRILLS. WE ARE SICK!. im phone less on weekend shift. but i entertain myself old school style.. AND WHAT telemathons i have with andylein.. HE MAKES ME AGREEE to be goood. and keep my words. i spit in my fist and SHAKE SHAKE. and then we kiss into the phone. to seal it. im gonna spend alll of january in andyland. to frolick around in berlin and dresden and ride with trains and get picked up from the station turner classic movie style. and commence with the sexy romances. swooon. !! the problem is that witches dont go to churches. so . im confused. but back in the day it was all kinds of liberal. and our children will be wizards.

wie konnt mich ein man nur so berauschen........

im crazy this new moon. . my planets are atwisted. i telephoned and woke up the dreamy dollie-boy. cuz im a pest. a real sleeep disturbance cuz im so oooo addicted to him. i had to appologize for being so launisch. its wrong to be mean. CONTROL YOUR INNER JERK . REALLLLY DO IT. OH he handles me so well. like no other. and writes me silly poems when im crazy.and im falling deeper into the abyssssss . walked in the forest. and paid my library tab of 61.29 dollars . ?. i neeeed nclex materials. hence why the social correctness. THELEAFS WON. i cant utterly believe it. im also sad . at certain people. you pooor beasts. i pegged you higher on the map. way . i saw a woman. that looks like grandma .but grandma is dead. this woman was not.

this post is not about you. dont flatter yourself.

ATR expired a little bit. i felt a melancholy mixture of alcohol and pain killers. and too loud has-been noise. did not feel so well. the busss driver hummed and whistled and sang DONT BREAK MY HEART.. i told him i wont if he lets me off inbetween stops. neeland is andyland. hence why this. was unavoidable.

baah.

the moonshine n the travels.. TOOK OUT my nee voice. n BEHOLD. the loves o my one daddykins. he fattened up mine bank account REAL noice.. muchos gracias padre. i cant boss anyone around in this state.. no i schnaxl alone tonight.

MOOONSHINE

ever since joanie took care of pinklez shes just FAT AND EXPECTING to be fed . all the time. im so tired. tired of inferiority complexxxxed foes.. in the mean time heres more Andy Pandy and Neerielle action.

i never touch the stufff. .

boxed in and hated by women. INTERNATIONALLY. OH WELL. i frolicked around in europe so goooood and funned around. i especiallyyyyyyyyyyy.. THE MOST.. love andy pandy. he makes me breakfast pretzles and teaches me SECRET FORMULAS.

WHO WILL LOVE THE DEVIL.

COMMIT YOURSELF. you cant keep falling in love every minute.

oh ?

what nee fan mail will do for a so so mood. is ridiculous. " MY GOD. he says your face is a piece of heaven. you are a living orgasm of beauty and soul. si dice sei Una su un milione " OH FLATTERY WILL GET YOU EVERYWHERE . swoooooooning. I PERSIST that euroboys are the bESST. on the other side of the moon, technology and me will never be friends. EVER. I dont care what you invent.

X her off.

dizzy dancing on foreign painkillers. its a horse race . its too blurry i cant tell who is winning. just a bunch of dust. and noise. this picture re-surfaced. she titled it cruel summer. my ex twinsister. I've done worse things to better people.

i am the victim and the murdererrrr

tea and cigarettes. and selling things like mad. and you showed up in my dream last night. alot. alot cherie. and then you call me . saying the same thing. lucid. lucy d. lsd. like. right. now. everything about you is perfect. except our. circumstance. not so much distance. as. the situation itself. i notice your absence though. its noticable. to me. cry yourself to sleep.over it. little bee. regardless. im obsessed with my own romantic illusions. im veryyyy into the idea of spending time in barcelona. this fall. very very. after all the business is taken care of. and theres alot of business going on. but no rush. no. very laxx. is how i like it. but im deeply depressed , on a functional level. and i miss how the strawberries smell . and the juicy watermelons. . . i got celebrity sighted . Z-list or what . underground diva starlet that i am. im so grateful for the tragedies. forever. they are presents. little secret presents in disguise. GRATEFUL. .oh. london with miss diamond is also on the menu. its been too long. since i was born and since the explosions. years ago.

hit me when you want to.

i tied up a black rose THING around my arm. and dreamt fucked up shit. i think i unintentionally offered myself to the deathlings. for my grandma came on a bus and said no you cant come yet. and then this huuuge garden covered in little snow hills with candles, and crosses, and all kinds of alters and occult shit. then i woke up at 3 am and puked my LIFE out. and everything turned black. with mine self passsssing out. and waking up at mount sainai emerge. they brought me back to life and pumped my tummy from whatever made me sick. 3 hours later i was at work. and hanging out with my ken doll patient. he swears at me and says the most vulgar things i have ever heard spoken.. oh. HE HAPPENS TO BE A FAMOUS WRITER. HE WROTE THE SCREENPLAY FOR PIPPI LONGSTOCKINGGGG. AND THE CARE BEARS, AND CLIFFORD the red dog thing. and AND a bunch more. he is my little celebrity brain. im going to name my childrens pippilotte and maxx. . maxx trauma is going to be so badassss.. im selling everything i own. and going on more travels. this shit here mostly bores me. all the friends and enemies. YAWN.

shadows of the sun

heres what.

harsh are the terms of your sentence.

THUS. i will sleep. what unwelcome unhoeflichkeit. CUSTOMS CANADA IS A RUDE COLLECTIVE. i got mega searched. the men saw all my SHOES. and bags. and leather jackets. i denied their value. BUT THEY CHECKED THE INTERNETS. i danced and sang lola lola lolaaaaa. while they tortured me. HOWEVER. ewan mcgregor entertained me polanski style. so i denied myself the sleeep in my emergency exit seat. the last weeek in muenchen was ultra fabelhaft. and i spent every second with the fun ones. miss diamond. my soulmate girl piece. and i saw the nuss one last time. he is heart broken. but he bought sausages and beer. which i fed to him and to me. to US. in a chic bavarian establishment.. and there was lots of lovin. and romance . involved. now. i will not pine. for i am ABOVE THAT. instead i will go back soooooon so me and miss diamond can finish her sexy book together. i dont hate this land. but i dont exactly heart it to the max either. ITS JUST ALL WRONG.. gather your garters and dance. i have walnut shnapps to DO me in. and messages from beligians. GUILT GUILT. GUILT???????????? NICHT WAR.??

what. fun. used. to. be. what. you . used. to . be.

no excuses for the bruises.

slightly sour . burned soles. pavement hot. ante cancelled our night swimming date . i was crushhhed as i counted the hours. alas. i played drinking games with the belgians again. but they all vibed evil cuz i sexed one of them and now the whole lot switched gears against me. got driven to zrce. ditched them in papaya. I HATE PAPAYA. manhands all over me as i danced to shittttty techno shit. i ran away and towards the water. and into my hippie friends from zagreb. we climbed up to aquarius. and i lost my flip flops. tho i am an accustomed barefoot beetle as all my shoes have betrayed me long time . i miss myself. going to beachland all day like the mermaid recluse that i am. its hard cuz the ultragay boy in town is obsessed with me. and keeping impressive tabs on my island activity. he konws when i come home, with whooooooooooo, and where i go adn who i drank with and the shit i say.. the sun came up and we hitchhiked/walked home and i realized i have not slept in days. i miss pupak and alexandros. it pains me.

doggie wheres your bone

goood god. i cant stand it. all my quality boyfriends have left today. i am all in mourning. we all died a little bit inside. i have the missing. my lufthansa pilot and pupak!!!!!!! andy and stickler ohhhh it hurts. but we agreed im going to marry them all. none of us slept last night. and i flew an invisible plane to greece. . alex taught me everything. skies of the world..behold! Though I must start taking going to the beach more seriously. im all over town and entertaining myself with locals, and drinking slivovitz at 10 am. over coffeee with GOOD FOLKS and i cannot even begin to explain the mountains of distractions that present themselvs. andelko better motorcycle me to beach land.cuz the new shoes are trouble. Team mosquitos also have upped their game. they were RUDE AS HELL AND RUTHLESS. i am uberbitten and a walking itch mitch. .ITS ONNN jerks.

pipi lemonade.

im lightly tanned and salty like a proper mermaid. in the most shamelessly gorgeous yugocroatia.. i have the coolest house on the island. boys in italy melt like ice cream. i learned . i slept on buses and met a bundle of clowns. i met many men many men many men. i miss the nuss. i had nightmares last night. this part.icular . island reminds me of someone. vaguely. but im over it today. i slept 14 hours. cuz the travels have exhausted me. my house owner man is a sexy tattooed hunk andhe drunked me with travarica. that shit knocks you out. there is one HUGE church here that rings bells all the time. iva is coming to veeezit tomorrow with the ferrrry boat and we are going to dance dance on the beach. andy tooo. shit . i want to stay forever. i drank coffeeee with a local celebrity. he invited me into his house. i threw lemons at his wife. puhhhhhh.

aber weinen sollst du nicht.

despite being hated. i come here and i drink their wine.
I do homework tooo.


The italians made yummy pizzza for me and my best woman.


our daily high heel practice around the block. we are getting betterrrrr.


young James Dean on the right spent a lot of money on me that night. but i went with the nuss. the nuss insists on privacy. due to kidneythivery.

serbia won. naturally.

my main little woman Lara .